Up and down. All around. Riding glorious highs. Crashing and burning in the lowest lows. It's a masquerade gone insane. A dance I don't know. I'm all out of step as they circle around me. I'm spinning and dizzy. Down down, further down. Which mask is it? They go so fast I can't even see their eyes, just their sneering mouths taunting me.
STOP!
They all collapse. Masks fall upon empty piles of clothes. Vanished. Sanity returns and I'm all alone.
------------------
Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last couple of months.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Death becomes us
Yesterday evening I found out my grandfather died. I wasn't close to him, in fact I never got to meet him. He lived in India, and the only time I ever went to India I just visited my dad's side of the family. Anyway, I handled the news pretty well. I swallowed the sadness in my usual fashion and succeeded at not thinking about it.
I've never had a panic attack before, but I'm pretty sure I had one earlier today. I was just sitting around browsing recipes online when all of a sudden it was hard to breathe and I seriously felt like I was going to die. Then I just burst into tears. I sobbed uncontrollably for probably half an hour.
I'm fine now, just shaken. I had no idea that an emotional reaction as strong as that could just creep up on me. Oh well. You live and you learn, right?
In other news, I'm settling into Baltimore quite nicely. It gets seriously cold and windy here, but the city's got a lot of charm (hence the name Charm City) and character. Dare I say I actually enjoy it here?
I've never had a panic attack before, but I'm pretty sure I had one earlier today. I was just sitting around browsing recipes online when all of a sudden it was hard to breathe and I seriously felt like I was going to die. Then I just burst into tears. I sobbed uncontrollably for probably half an hour.
I'm fine now, just shaken. I had no idea that an emotional reaction as strong as that could just creep up on me. Oh well. You live and you learn, right?
In other news, I'm settling into Baltimore quite nicely. It gets seriously cold and windy here, but the city's got a lot of charm (hence the name Charm City) and character. Dare I say I actually enjoy it here?
Monday, January 7, 2008
Need your opinion..
My contract at the current hospital ends February 16th. I could extend my contract there and stay in L.A., but I kinda want to travel around some more. So where should I go next? I was thinking either New York or San Francisco. All comments, suggestions and smart remarks welcome.
Friday, December 28, 2007
The most surreal night of my life
I wrestled with blogging about the happenings on the night of October 12th simply because the shock value is so high. Who am I to deprive my (few) readers the juicy details of my life...
Background: A month and a half earlier M disappeared from my life for the millionth time. However, in the past two weeks M was trying to get back in touch with me. He was calling me, texting me, wanting to hang out again. He even apologized for being an asshole to me.. which is a big step for someone as egotistical as he is.
It was a Friday like any other. I didn't have to work and I felt like going out. I finally caved and called Max to see if he wanted to go to Miss Kitty's - strictly as friends. He agreed and I headed to his place at 8:30 with a bottle of chilled Nigori sake to pregame. We talked, we drank, then we called a cab to take us to Miss Kitty's.
We arrived at Miss Kitty's around 9:30 in order to take full advantage of the $2 well drink special that lasts until 10. Even the drink special isn't enough to get people to come out to a club before 11, so instead of dancing I got my first two vodka cranberries and carried them to the heated outdoor area to smoke and drink. I finished my first drink then the unimaginable happened: It started raining in L.A. Since Max was off talking to one of his friends I ended up staying outside, but huddled under a small awning with a girl I had never met before.
"I guess I should introduce myself since we're practically on top of each other. My name is [Siena]."
She laughed. "[Lipstick], nice to meet you."
We ended up talking about each others drink and smoke selections. We were both smoking cloves.. hers were lights, mine were blacks. We bonded over the fact that we were both new to L.A. Somehow she started talking about her ex-girlfriend and I started talking about my limited experience with women. When we were done smoking we decided to hit on each other some more inside, where it wasn't raining. By this point I had half a bottle of sake and two vodka cranberries. I was feeling kinda nice.
M materialized at some point and started hitting on Lipstick. He pulled me off to the side at one point while Lipstick was buying us drinks and said to me "Oh my God, she's hot! Have you ever had a threesome?"
Me: No
M: Want to have one?
Me: Umm, sure!
Over the course of the next hour, M tried hitting on Lipstick, but it was very clear she was only interested in me. M took the hint and let us continue our now drunken flirtation. We ended up making out, and apparently M had hunted down the photographer and told him that if he wanted a picture of two hot girls making out that he should hurry. So unknowingly, the club photographer snapped a very lovely picture of me making out with Lipstick. Here's the evidence:
Around midnight M asked Lipstick and me if we wanted to go to Popstarz with him and his friends. We agreed, then all three of us piled into Lipstick's very comfy BMW X5 and were off. As we got drunker and drunker, the rain kept coming down harder and harder.
After much drinking, dancing, and making out at Popstarz M wanted to continue the party at his friend DJ's place. As soon as we got there, Lipstick and I immediately made ourselves cozy on the couch. M and his gay friends were totally not into the scene, so they went into DJ's bedroom to do some coke.
Long story short, she and I got to know each other very intimately. Unfortunately I had waaay too much to drink, so ten minutes after we finished putting our clothes back on I ran to the bathroom to vomit.
M walked into the bathroom while I still had my head practically in the toilet. When I was done he helped me up and helped me get clean. Then he pulled a small vial out of his pocket and a two inch long straw. He emptied some of the contents of the vial on the counter beside the sink. Cocaine. He cut a line then turned to me.
M: Here, do this. It'll make you feel a lot better.
Me: I've never tried it before.. Okay..
So I ended up doing coke for the first time in my life. Then M hugged me.
Me: What are you doing?
M: I know I said this before, but I need to say it again. I am SO sorry for the way I treated you. I finally understand how much I hurt you, and I swear to you I will never do that to you again. I love you so much.
This scene was probably a lot more pathetic than I remember, considering M and I were both drunk and coked out. I was so fucked up that I started crying hysterically telling him he had no idea what he had done to me, that he could never understand what it's like to feel completely abandoned.
M just kept hugging me throughout my whole emotional catharsis and kept saying he was so sorry and that he loved me. When I was done he wiped away my tears and led me to DJ's bedroom. We laid down on the bed and he held me until we both fell asleep.
What seemed like an eternity later, DJ woke us up to take us back to M's place. At some point while M and I were passed out Lipstick left. I looked at the clock in DJ's car: 4:30 am. As soon as M and I were back to his place we crawled under the covers on his bed and passed out again. Around 6 am the sound of the rain beating on the window woke M and me up. Without a word, we looked at each other and could see the longing for each other. So much for just being friends.
Later M told me that it hurt him to see me hook up with Lipstick, but he knew he had fucked things up with me so he didn't try to intervene.
Summary of the most surreal night of my life:
Had sex with two people.. one male, one female
Did coke for the first time
Had someone profess their love for me while coked out
Some postscripts:
Coke is a truth serum for me. Ask me anything and I will tell you the whole unadulterated truth.
I never called Lipstick and haven't seen her since.
My reunion with M was predictably short lived. We were back to being platonic by Halloween.
M moved to Canada last week. I was at his going away party.
Background: A month and a half earlier M disappeared from my life for the millionth time. However, in the past two weeks M was trying to get back in touch with me. He was calling me, texting me, wanting to hang out again. He even apologized for being an asshole to me.. which is a big step for someone as egotistical as he is.
It was a Friday like any other. I didn't have to work and I felt like going out. I finally caved and called Max to see if he wanted to go to Miss Kitty's - strictly as friends. He agreed and I headed to his place at 8:30 with a bottle of chilled Nigori sake to pregame. We talked, we drank, then we called a cab to take us to Miss Kitty's.
We arrived at Miss Kitty's around 9:30 in order to take full advantage of the $2 well drink special that lasts until 10. Even the drink special isn't enough to get people to come out to a club before 11, so instead of dancing I got my first two vodka cranberries and carried them to the heated outdoor area to smoke and drink. I finished my first drink then the unimaginable happened: It started raining in L.A. Since Max was off talking to one of his friends I ended up staying outside, but huddled under a small awning with a girl I had never met before.
"I guess I should introduce myself since we're practically on top of each other. My name is [Siena]."
She laughed. "[Lipstick], nice to meet you."
We ended up talking about each others drink and smoke selections. We were both smoking cloves.. hers were lights, mine were blacks. We bonded over the fact that we were both new to L.A. Somehow she started talking about her ex-girlfriend and I started talking about my limited experience with women. When we were done smoking we decided to hit on each other some more inside, where it wasn't raining. By this point I had half a bottle of sake and two vodka cranberries. I was feeling kinda nice.
M materialized at some point and started hitting on Lipstick. He pulled me off to the side at one point while Lipstick was buying us drinks and said to me "Oh my God, she's hot! Have you ever had a threesome?"
Me: No
M: Want to have one?
Me: Umm, sure!
Over the course of the next hour, M tried hitting on Lipstick, but it was very clear she was only interested in me. M took the hint and let us continue our now drunken flirtation. We ended up making out, and apparently M had hunted down the photographer and told him that if he wanted a picture of two hot girls making out that he should hurry. So unknowingly, the club photographer snapped a very lovely picture of me making out with Lipstick. Here's the evidence:
Around midnight M asked Lipstick and me if we wanted to go to Popstarz with him and his friends. We agreed, then all three of us piled into Lipstick's very comfy BMW X5 and were off. As we got drunker and drunker, the rain kept coming down harder and harder.
After much drinking, dancing, and making out at Popstarz M wanted to continue the party at his friend DJ's place. As soon as we got there, Lipstick and I immediately made ourselves cozy on the couch. M and his gay friends were totally not into the scene, so they went into DJ's bedroom to do some coke.
Long story short, she and I got to know each other very intimately. Unfortunately I had waaay too much to drink, so ten minutes after we finished putting our clothes back on I ran to the bathroom to vomit.
M walked into the bathroom while I still had my head practically in the toilet. When I was done he helped me up and helped me get clean. Then he pulled a small vial out of his pocket and a two inch long straw. He emptied some of the contents of the vial on the counter beside the sink. Cocaine. He cut a line then turned to me.
M: Here, do this. It'll make you feel a lot better.
Me: I've never tried it before.. Okay..
So I ended up doing coke for the first time in my life. Then M hugged me.
Me: What are you doing?
M: I know I said this before, but I need to say it again. I am SO sorry for the way I treated you. I finally understand how much I hurt you, and I swear to you I will never do that to you again. I love you so much.
This scene was probably a lot more pathetic than I remember, considering M and I were both drunk and coked out. I was so fucked up that I started crying hysterically telling him he had no idea what he had done to me, that he could never understand what it's like to feel completely abandoned.
M just kept hugging me throughout my whole emotional catharsis and kept saying he was so sorry and that he loved me. When I was done he wiped away my tears and led me to DJ's bedroom. We laid down on the bed and he held me until we both fell asleep.
What seemed like an eternity later, DJ woke us up to take us back to M's place. At some point while M and I were passed out Lipstick left. I looked at the clock in DJ's car: 4:30 am. As soon as M and I were back to his place we crawled under the covers on his bed and passed out again. Around 6 am the sound of the rain beating on the window woke M and me up. Without a word, we looked at each other and could see the longing for each other. So much for just being friends.
Later M told me that it hurt him to see me hook up with Lipstick, but he knew he had fucked things up with me so he didn't try to intervene.
Summary of the most surreal night of my life:
Had sex with two people.. one male, one female
Did coke for the first time
Had someone profess their love for me while coked out
Some postscripts:
Coke is a truth serum for me. Ask me anything and I will tell you the whole unadulterated truth.
I never called Lipstick and haven't seen her since.
My reunion with M was predictably short lived. We were back to being platonic by Halloween.
M moved to Canada last week. I was at his going away party.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
A New Day
So things are starting to look up in my life. I've got a plan, I've got ambition, I've got a better job, and I have people who care about me. There are a few people who have all but vanished off the face of the planet but on the other hand there are people with whom I've forged stronger bonds. :-)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Keep trekking through the wilderness
I feel so burned and hurt by my current career. Losing my job two months ago and not knowing why really affected me. I almost expect to be canned at any moment for no reason. It's to the point where I really don't care about my patients and I'm just going through the motions. It's not fair to them and it's not fair to me. It's time for a change.
I've started researching the GMAT so I can get into an MBA program ASAP. I really can't do nursing anymore, for my own sanity. It's a boatload of cash, but I couldn't care less about the money. I just want to be done with it and move on to other things. Is that overly dramatic? Yeah, I know. Don't judge me.
On a side note, I've noticed that men use me as a springboard to better things. I'm the female version of Good Luck Chuck. I've been left for other women more times than I care to admit.
Life is grand.
I've started researching the GMAT so I can get into an MBA program ASAP. I really can't do nursing anymore, for my own sanity. It's a boatload of cash, but I couldn't care less about the money. I just want to be done with it and move on to other things. Is that overly dramatic? Yeah, I know. Don't judge me.
On a side note, I've noticed that men use me as a springboard to better things. I'm the female version of Good Luck Chuck. I've been left for other women more times than I care to admit.
Life is grand.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
It's never enough, is it?
So I can't wait to go back to South Carolina to visit all my friends and family. I'll arrive at 7am November 23 and leave at 9am November 26th. Thanksgiving is gonna be hectic! Truth be told I'm a bit homesick. There are things back home that have been painfully lacking in my life here in L.A.
In other news, if anyone has found my perfect match then please let me know. I'm desperately seeking him.
In other news, if anyone has found my perfect match then please let me know. I'm desperately seeking him.
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